Being a person who has survived through several depression episodes in the past, I have been really worried that postpartum depression will get the better of me after my delivery. However once the baby popped out I was relieved to realize that it was the happiest I’ve ever been. I didn’t know I can love someone so much until I held my baby and the moment they laid him on my shoulder keeps repeating in my head over and over again, I can’t get over those curious little eyes staring at mama.

We brought him home and everybody who was around was so happy meet our little bundle of joy. It was before the deadly corona virus entered India. Some of our relatives have met him through the glass window of the nursery at the hospital but no one except me held him by that point, not even my husband. Then we brought him home for the first time, my mom came down from our hometown but dad didn’t as they don’t leave our house empty and my dad would only come down when my mom goes back. According to my husband’s tradition, me and baby is supposed to stay in quarantine in a room for the first 21 days of his life. Whoever is helping me stays in the room. Nobody goes in, nobody goes out, and if anyone else wants to hold him have to wash up and sanitize first. So by that time the only people that held him beside me was my husband, my mom, my MIL and my SIL. My dad, sister, cousin sister who’s like my sibling, her son and my aunt were yet to visit and once that 21 days were over and I fully recovered from my emergency c-section we were about to visit my hometown and introduce him to my nieces and all our other relatives . My sister was about to get the earliest flight ticket when I went into labor but I told her to get the tickets for Easter time so she can also celebrate Easter at home while meeting her nephew.

But alas! Before that 21 days were over corona virus hit India and within a couple of days we had our first curfew followed by nationwide lockdown. Because we were so overwhelmed with taking care of a newborn we couldn’t stock up on anything and by the time we tried to (like 5-7 days before the curfew) everything were OOS. We hadn’t stocked up on food, we hadn’t stocked up on diapers, we hadn’t stocked up on sanitizers. The only thing we had stocked up on was baby wipes and my last order of diaper came weeks late making us go through some stressful days in between. Anything else that we ordered got stuck due the lockdown. I always place bulk grocery orders online and because I was too sick to cook my entire pregnancy everything expired by the time we changed apartment before the delivery and because I wasn’t allowed to cook the first 21 days after the delivery I didn’t order and we barely had any food at home. All we had were a couple of packet of pastas, a couple of packets of instant noodles, some Greek yogurt, red potatoes, a loaf of bread, peanut butter, honey and jam. That’s it; we were supposed to survive on that, as if taking care of a newborn isn’t stressful enough.

A few days before the curfew my mom went home to attend my best friend’s wedding and am glad that she got stuck at home otherwise my dad who never switched on the oven once in his entire life would be all alone during the pandemic. My MIL who lives in the neighbouring block was coming down to help us with the baby and also bringing us lunch and dinner. She had to limit her visits due to the lockdown and even they didn’t have much grocery stocked up even though they had a somewhat full pantry.

Having a baby is a blessing, but anyone who has ever had a baby knows that the first few months can drive you insane. And then there’s us, limited help from family due to covid-19, no access to medical help when our baby got cold as well as heat rashes (we did call the doctor and get the prescription via whatsapp) and an uncertainty about when the rest of our families will finally get to meet the baby. I really cannot get over the fact that my dad saw his only grandchild just twice, once when they took him out of the OT to get him into the nursery and then through a glass window. I can’t wait for my nieces and my nephew to meet their baby brother and I can’t wait for my sisters to meet their nephew. My (cousin) brother and his wife got to meet him through that glass window and at this situation that seems like a blessing enough.

After spending sleepless nights and days we do get some time to sleep if my MIL manages to come help with the baby and if we get some time to ourselves, we log into social media only to see how people are trying to stay positive during the pandemic by getting new hobbies, trying out DIY, reading books, watching movies and cooking for their family. I know getting to cuddle with our newborn is above all of these but sometimes we deserve to get some less stressful moments, but we don’t. One might say that it’s a good thing that my husband is getting WFH right after the birth of the baby and getting to spend time with him, but honestly he had 2 months of WFH/ paternity leave already granted even before covid entered India. So what could have been a blessed situation, for him to spend 2 months of uninterrupted time with his newborn, to welcome family and friends at our new and bigger apartment that we not only switched to get a healthier atmosphere for the baby but also to have more room for family when they come down to visit their new grandkid/nephew, turned into a nightmare.

What should have been a blissful time spent with friends and family turned out to be a situation far from what we imagined. I still remember the first few days that we spent with our mums, I ordered my favourite foods from our locality for my mom to taste, my husband and I got to spend relaxing hours as we had our moms to take over and we scheduled visitation from friends and family once the first 21 days were over. We had it figured out how we would spend his second month and how we would celebrate his first Easter, but instead we are just surviving with a newborn to take care of. We have to evaluate everything we use, from food to diapers. And while I was worried about suffering from postpartum depression, what I got is severe stress and anxiety due to covid-19. My sister is stuck at Bangalore which is one of the places hit hard by covid. She says that her institute looks haunted with barely any human contact apart from her husband. They still had time to come back home before the lockdown but as they spent their fair share of time with scholars that returned from overseas, especially Italy, they decided to stay in self quarantine instead of coming home.

I don’t believe stress can get any worse this and since I can’t afford the time to visit a therapist and neither can I go out during this situation, online therapy has become my saviour these days. In fact I believe in a situation where no one should be going out, online therapy is the key to keep you sane. We don’t know when we’ll see an end to this corona virus, we don’t know when we’ll get to go out and see our loved once, we don’t know when we’ll get to socialize, we also don’t know when we’ll get access to essentials again and among these uncertainty all we can do is try and be positive. So in a time when internet is what keeping us sane, connecting us with separated loved ones, helping us get our hands on whatever limited essentials we can order and keeping us entertained, we can also use it to get access to therapy to help us get through this difficult time.

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