Heartbreaks, we have all had them, we have all survived them. What makes them even worse is the fact that you don’t just have heart breaks when you part ways with your partner, you can have them when you break up with your best friend, or that special friend with whom you had a non-existent relationship. It’s the lump in your throat that you feel when you suddenly stop talking to someone you used to talk to every single day. It’s the pain you feel when you realize that the name that used to be on top of your chat list has been going down and just down. You cannot do anything about it, except for jumping at every message beep hoping it’s them. We have all been there, some of us recovered faster; some of us took too much time. The time it takes for you to recover not always depends on how strong you are, or how deeply you loved that person, because even the strongest person breaks down and we judge their strength based on if they are showing their tears to us or not.
They say when you face a heartbreak, get busy, as busy as possible, as busy as to not think of that pain, as busy that you don’t even have the time to expect a call or text from them. But truth to be told, you cannot pretend forever that the lump in your throat does not exist. You might take your mind off the pain for a while, but as soon as your head hits the pillow it’s all going to come back. Even if you manage to doze off, you’re going to wake up in the middle of the night and try to figure out if you just dreamt it all, if it was just a nightmare that the person you love so dearly has walked out of your life. And the truth will hit you so hard that you’ll feel like you cannot breathe. If you are lucky, you might be able to doze off again, only to wake up in the morning, may be earlier than you usually wake up and stare at your phone hoping there’s a text when deep down you know, there’s not, there’s never going to be. Sleepless nights and sleepy days, and the more you stress yourself with work, the more you are bound to break down because a part of your brain cannot forget the pain and you are constantly pushing it towards the edge so that you can get busy forgetting the pain. But for how long? How long can you pretend that you are the strongest person who’s not allowed to break down? How long can you push away your thoughts? How long are you going to hold those tears in? How long? Sooner or later you’ll find yourself laying flat in your tears because you have pretended for too long, pretended that it doesn’t hurt.
And then there are worse things we do. Sometimes, in order to forget the person who broke our heart, we try to replace them immediately; clinging to the first person we meet after the heartbreak, to the person who tries to bring smile to our face during our difficult times. As healthy as it is to talk to friends and have shoulders to cry on, rebounding in a new relationship is the worst thing we can do sometimes. We don’t realize that we are using the new person in our life as a distraction from the pain, as a small band aid to a much severe injury. In most cases it does not work out either, because you haven’t allowed yourself the time and space to figure out what’s going on, figure out what you actually want, figure out who you truly are.
So are we not supposed to move on? Yes we do, but we are also allowed to break down, to let out those tears that we have been holding in, to cry it all out until you feel numb. Cry until there are no more tears screaming to come out of your eyes, cry until your pillow cover is wet, cry yourself to sleep. Yes, you are allowed to skip the work, and that meal, you are allowed to mess your life up until you feel there’s nothing left to mess up. Feel human, feel that pain until you are tired of it, until you reach that point where you look back and only see the pain instead of the golden memories that you were crying over. Only then will you realize that those memories are not worth that pain. Only then you’ll look into the mirror and see the strongest person you’ve ever known. You’ll see you, with your raw, naked emotion and you’ll realize that the pain has become a lot more tolerable, it doesn’t hurt as bad as it was hurting just a few days back. The sadness will still be there but you’ll eventually stop waking up in the middle of the night with anxiety. The breakdowns will stop, you’ll still be thinking about them but you’ll have less urge to text them begging them to come back. You’ll feel sad, yet refreshed. You’ll start taking care of yourself, you’ll catch up on everything you have missed out on for the last couple of weeks, you’ll be eating your favourite food and having meals right on time. Yes the sadness will still linger, but not for too long. Soon you’ll realize that you deserve so much better, better than the melancholy feeling and the lump in your throat. You’ll have a better understanding of life and what you want. And that’s when you’ll know that you have completely moved on.