Seiji is almost 1 but it still feels like yesterday that I woke up from an afternoon nap and made a snack spread of lobster-flavoured instant noodles, roasted potatoes and boiled corn. I finished my share and started having this feeling like something wasn’t right. I came to my bedroom, sat on my bed and tried to figure out if I’m into labour. I had done endless research on what early contractions feel like, and what I was feeling was the exact opposite. I couldn’t pin point on what was wrong, I just knew that I was out of breath and it was the evening of the dreaded 28^th February, just heading into 29^th February. I did not want my baby to have his birthday every 4 years; I did not want him to be born on 29^th February. And there I was having early contractions on the 28^th.

On the dining table, my husband was eating his noodles as slowly as a sloth, watching videos on his mobile, laughing to himself. I did not want to freak him out before I knew for sure, but he had a work deadline that night so I asked him to hurry up and finish his noodle. He was like what the heck I’m being bossy about and just asked me why??? Why should he eat fast? And I had to break the news that we probably have to head to the hospital by night. I watched him having panic attacks while I opened my laptop, finished an unfinished article, posted some pending Instagram posts and that’s when that out of breath feeling grew and mild contractions accompanied. It felt like PMS cramps, but way milder. I was sure now, and I called my doctor around 11 and she asked me to head to the hospital. I called my in-laws, and then my parents. Honestly I did not want to freak my parents out because they live 110kms away but I had to tell them anyway. They headed out almost immediately, but somehow we talked them into going back, getting some sleep and leaving early in the morning.

I was so determined to have a natural birth. It seemed like the best thing for me as well as for the baby. And then there’s the fact that I was too scared of a surgery. At the E.R when it was confirmed that I was into labour, I was asked if I really wanted a normal delivery. I said yes. They warned me that it’s going to pain a LOT! Like I didn’t know that?! It’s still better than a C-Section recovery. When the paper works were done I was taken to the labour room without any of my belongings, let alone my maternity bag that I had packed a month ahead.

My contractions started getting a little more intense and around 4 in the morning I lost my mucus plug. I’ve read on numerous articles that walking and changing positions can help during the labour; however I wasn’t even allowed the walk to the adjacent loo. The two belts monitoring my contractions and the baby’s heart beat felt more uncomfortable than the contractions themself. Around 6 in the morning I heard the doctors say that the baby’s heart rate was dropping. The drippings were started to induce the labour and my water was broken manually. By this time my contractions were intense and the multiple vaginal exams had taken a toll on me. I was asked several times by different doctors if I can go through a natural birth because it’s going to hurt so much more, but honestly I was too scared of C-section. Sure the contractions were intense but I was getting on fine with the Lamaze technique- thanks Google!!! At this point I wished I was allowed my mobile because I realized that I Googled so much about the first and last parts of labour that I completely overlooked the middle part and I had no idea what I was supposed to do now.

While I was missing my very old buddy Google I was also wishing I had a chance to talk to my husband because honestly I was dumbfounded. On one hand I was so determined to have a natural birth, on the other I heard the doctors talking about dropping heart rate. I kindda wished to talk to my husband if I were to cut open. Just at that moment I heard them talking about my family (my parents to be specific) has arrived and they have asked to meet me. The doctors were discussing whether they should allow them to the labour room, someone said that if I was put in a room/bed instead of rolling me into the labour room right away (no beds were available when I was admitted), I should be having visitors now. Finally I heard them talking about allowing me visitors because I haven’t had any since being admitted. I was overjoyed to get to meet my hubby and discuss about the possible C-section that we both dreaded.

In comes my mom like a hurricane. With no regards to my intense contractions she cracked a joke on getting no pillow while I use multiple at home and then shoved me her phone and asked to call my sister and talk to her. In her mind she probably thought she was doing me a favour by handing me a phone. And looking back now I could have used to it Google or talk to my husband, but at that point I was too drained to even take her phone. And her overjoyed excitement and energy got on my nerves. She honestly couldn’t contain her excitement to be allowed in the labour room, and when I asked her to get off her phone she rubbed my back and belly for a few minutes, said a prayer and then left like a hurricane saying she’s going to make a call and come back. Yeah, that’s her, she couldn’t contain her excitement and HAD to get the words out that she was allowed in. Ironically, after she was done with her long call, probably with my sister, she wasn’t allowed back in. Who could have thought!

I just laid there irked, my drippings increased and so the intensity of my contractions. I was still getting on fine with my rhythmic breathing according the Lamaze technique and that’s when I heard the word ‘meconium’. I’ve used enough Google to know what it meant. I was told that if the baby doesn’t come out within half an hour, they are going to perform an emergency C-section and have already talked to my family about it. And I just lost it. I freaking lost it. All I could thing about was 13 hours of labour all in vain. The thought of going through that pain for nothing broke me. My Lamaze breathing went down the drain and I started freaking screaming. I told them that if they are going to cut me open anyway, just do it right now. I can’t go through this meaningless pain for 1 more second. I knew the baby won’t come out within half an hour because I wasn’t dilated enough. And I kept screaming for the spinal block. Up until now I didn’t realize how horrific the pain was, maybe it was my determination, maybe it was the Lamaze technique. But once I knew for sure that the pain was all in vain, it became so much worse that it shook me to my core. The procedure that followed seemed endless. Getting me in a different gown, passing me from stretcher to stretcher, I just kept wishing this is it, now I’ll get the spinal block, but it seemed like forever until I got one.

I passed my husband when heading to the O.T and he held my hand firmly, I passed my dad next and he held my hand even firmer. My mom was on the phone. My contractions at this point were seconds apart, and it was so bad that I threw up in the O.T. My screams for the spinal block continued and at this point I lost my words and screamed for ‘anesthesia’. After what felt like forever, finally it was time to get the spinal block and my fear of needles got the better of me. I asked them to wait this contraction out. They did, but they were so back to back that by the time I actually got the spinal block, another contraction was already taking place. I was in such a haze by this point that I don’t even have any idea how many people it took to hold me still when I got my spinal block amid severe contraction. But it was a lot, 4, maybe 6 doctors.

And then it all went away. I was no longer in pain. I could just rest now. But oh boy! I could still feel all the touch and everything. And I wished I was asleep before the scalpel touched me. But there I was, wide awake, feeling everything. So I told a doctor standing over me that I can feel everything. He assured me that yes I can feel everything; I just won’t feel the pain. Sigh! That works. But the problem remains… I was still not asleep and I could hear my doctor approaching. Sleep Clara! Sleep!

Too late! I could feel the pressure inside my stomach, a little tugging, the doctor looking upwards concentrating and exclaiming “peyechi! Peyechi” (Got it! Got it) and the next moment I heard the cry. His voice was sooo different back then. My doctor asked someone to sew me up and I heard the crying voice heading towards the corner to my right foot, probably to get cleaned up. All this while I wished to be asleep and I didn’t. Now that the worst part was over and the best part just began, I dozed off; I don’t know when or how, I was just out. I don’t know who woke me up but I turned to my right shoulder and opened my eyes, like it was my instinct. And I saw two wide eyes staring right at my soul. I’ve never seen such curiosity in an eye. Like he was trying to figure something out, like he was recognizing my smell and associating my face with it. He didn’t cry when we gazed at each other, we just looked and looked and looked at each other and I never wanted that moment to end. Was it weird of me to not show a single ounce of emotion out there? I’ve often wondered if the doctors thought me emotionless. But truthfully we were both just taking it all in. We were relishing the moment. He still looks like that, the face that I saw gazing at me is the face that wakes me up with giggles every morning. It’s still that face and those eyes.  I remember trying to figure out who he looks like but I couldn’t except for the fact that his hairless eyebrow had his dad’s brow bone. I faintly remember someone showing me his sex but by this point I kindda instinctly knew.

I don’t remember when I fell asleep again but I woke up when they were taking me out of the O.T . A nurse told me that someone from my family was dancing. O yeah! That has to be my mom. I was taken to my bed and my husband visited me. We smiled ear to ear seeing each other and I asked him if he has seen him. He said yes and asked me if I did too! Of course I did. I asked him if he figured out who he looks like. And he exclaimed ‘like me!’ He told me that he clicked a picture and I asked to see it. And that was not the face I saw in the O.T. The curious eyes were no longer curious. His face was all wrinkley as he screamed, with a frown as bad as his dad’s.  Yep that’s him, anyone can vouch by that frown, and he got it from his dad!

I looked around the room and searched for a cot. There was none. I asked my husband when they are bringing him to me? And I was told that he’ll be in the nursery. I was distraught. I was waiting eagerly to meet him. It was a few more hours until they brought him to me to work on the latch. Looking back now I wish I had talked about it with the doctor to let me breastfeed right away. Unfortunately I didn’t know about breastfeeding as much as I know now. But that’s a story for some other day.

Will meet you guys with more stories about my mommyhood. Till then,

Bye

P.S: Seiji will be 1 the day after tomorrow and my emotions are getting the better of me and I’m crying while I’m writing it.

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